The Monster Inside Me

Last night I had yet another anxiety attack around 9:30 pm when we were getting ready to go to bed. It seems that every time I go to lay down flat on my back, my heart beat is accelerated and so strong that I get nervous Im going into AFIB or some crazy cardiac arrhythmia again. I also noticed some head fog and slight spinning/ dizziness. Im guessing this is why they warned me that the first and second days would be the best after chemo. I took another Ativan and one of my nausea pill before bed just in case any of those feelings turned up.

I feel so much more emotional and susceptible lately. Today, all of Johns little cousins came over to help us with the lawn, weeding, raking, mowing, and Izzy poo gathering. It literally brought tears to my eyes that an entire family would come together for us and simply get the job done. It broke my heart when they wouldn’t take money for it! Im just really not used to people doing things for me or giving me things and it makes me feel awful. Dinner on us next time at the very least!

My mom and John walked me through some deep breathing, and with some pillow repositioning my torso upright, i was able to relax and fall into a sleep. It felt like almost immediately that I fell asleep, john jumps up grabbing me and shaking me “am I Ok”! I of course scream and my heart starts racing again. Supposedly a car drove by were guessing and the light must of caught his eye and he thought i was sitting up crying so he instinctively yelled and grabbed me. Lordy lordy! No One was hurt thus far tonight… But you may just wanna put me in a bubble anyways. I did some more deep breathing and got a little shut eye… Until! 

Around 1:20 am my skin started crawling. Still in a light sleep, I guess I started dreaming about getting chemo and the nurse pushed a new medicine. I immediately sat up screaming and itching from head to toe! It literally felt like colonies of ants with their prickley little legs were running in lines down my legs, arms, Back, stomach, head, butt! I began to panic and ran to get my mom because I know johns exhausted and has work at 6am tomorrow. Mommy always knows best…. Thank God she reads all my prescription paperwork, she said she expected this to happen and had a bottle of Benedryl right by her bedside patiently awaiting me, the red, itchy, night walker in need!

Turns out… Around 5:20 pm, my Nuelasta patch which is a little activating needle in my arm set to activate at a specific time after my initial chemo. What the drug does is boosts my white blood cell count to keep my immune system up and make it so i don’t have to go to the hospital for many blood draws or bags of medicine! Its a really neat sorta clip. Its just a sticker with a plastic like turtle shell on it. The nurse applied it the day prior at chemo and I just had to have my family be sure i was blinking like ET the whole next day. Green in good, red is bad! Thank god it was green the whole time it was on.

When the medicine began to activate… I instantly got freezing cold! I literally felt ice cubes being rubbed up and down my body. My mom bundles me up because john was at night class and made me a warm cup of tea. I had to lay still for the 45 mins that the medicine was activating through my body— this is the hardest part for me!

My appetite seems to not be affected at all this far! Im on this “See Food” diet… Get it, i see it and I eat it;)I have switched to a primarily organic diet so I’m not totally eating crappy, but an organic ice cream cone here and there simply works wonders;) My mom has been incredible cooking large bouts of whatever organic meal she wants to whip up, the we’ve been freezing leftovers so when she does leave… We will be set and I wont HAVE to cook for a while… Even though knowing me I probably will anyways!

Im still strictly measuring my “input and output values” for my urine. My ovaries continue to be hyper stimulated so my belly is distended and remains slightly uncomfortable. I have to check in with my fertility clinic daily with measurements of my urine, how much I drink, and my width of my lower abdomen. I cannot imagine how women that go through IVF by choice actually have to go through all of this stuff… And I thought the needles sucked! Plain and simple… Being a woman is a curse— Eff you Adam and Eve! Aside from playing with makeup, fixing your hair when you have some, and wearing gorgeous clothes… I guess most guys do get the short end of the stick there.

Oh well, anywayssss… John was to the rescue once again! I was able to take a first “soak” in our brandy new whirlpool tub! Being that the bathroom is still under renovation, he so graciously got out of bed and placed me so pleasantly into the new deep tub, and controlled all the dials until the water was just perfect to soak in. Giving the Benedryl a little bit of time to work through my body, slowly the ants crawling up and down my body turned into more of a muscle ache sort of sensation.

I dried off completely then went to my mom to help apply lotions to all my skin. She said my back was filled with little red dots… Im so shocked the rest of my body was simply just scorn from my nails gouging down my arms and legs! 

Anyways… Looks like the Benedryl is kicking in and I can hardly keep my eyes open… Pinkies crossed I can actually get some sleep! Sparkleon!✨
Xoxo Meg

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