When will my Reflection Show, Who I am Inside?

I had long blonde hair which Ive spent a lot of money on to keep up with my perfect highlights and pureology hair products to enhance the growth. I have green eyes that I describe as “tye dye” because they seem to have hazel speckles and change day by day. Ive always had horrible dark circles, but ive gotten into the habit of wearing really good concealer. Ive always had bad eyebrows because I started plucking them on my own since middle school, so needless to say Ive always had to fill them in on my own. I normally always wear fake eyelashes because I think they are beautiful, and I over draw my lips so I dont have to get filler, DUH!

When I look into the mirror these days, my long blonde hair is gone and simply I feel ugly.  My skin is much more pale, and my dark circles are even darker. My short stubby hair is a drag dirty blonde color and dry fuzzy chemo head has begun in small patches.

  Its been amazing to have so much support from John, my sisters, my family and friends… But I still feel ugly. It is so crazy when I step back and wipe the tears out of my eyes, and I look at the reflection in the mirror and I dont see me at first. Its been very hard lately to even look up when im brushing my teeth or walking into my living room and happen to glance up at my huge mirror on the wall, because to me that reflection just isn’t me.

Im not the blonde girl with the big butt anymore. Its probably vain of me to actually say this… But im not stupid, people used to make comments, stare, or whistle when I would be in public before. It actually was super annoying and disrespectful at times and I would often times let it be known that people had to “grow up” or “be more respectful”. But, its so different now.  You really just have to understand, whether my hair was natural or fake with extensions… I was always the girl the would get pissed off after a hair trim when a hairdresser would literallly only take off dead ends but to me it was a kazillion inches! Ask my mom, she would never touch my hair because Id hate her for it;) hahaha (OMG thats it! I have to learn to not be a brat!) 😎

When I go out in public without my wig and makeup, I feel like a bald 12 year old boy. With makeup, I feel like a short haired more masculine or “badass” woman. With my wig, I feel like eveyones staring because they know my hair is fake. None of these stares are because im the pretty little blonde girl anymore.

Maybe I just took my physical appearance for granted. I mean, I dont think I ever flaunted that I was pretty. I hardly posted selfies by myself, I never thought I was like the definition of gorgeous but I mean for the most part, my face was symmetric (aside from my homemade dimple) and  I mean I wore makeup daily so some may consider me higher maintence. I worked hard to feel good about my reflection in the mirror… I considered that reflection to be pretty.

Everyone has their own views on beauty, and I know beauty comes from within… But come on people, the truth is that people do notice physical beauty before any other sort of beauty. Sorry but its fact! When someone walks in the room, before they even say a word, its the physical beauty that you notice. 

I never ever had a problem with feeling ugly, or not liking my physical appearance (aside from my small boobs… But hopefully out of all this, I atleast get  a newer bigger set of those;) I am actually understanding a little better how people can and do suffer from low self esteem and take drastic measures because of the reflection they see in the mirror isnt what they find to be beautiful.

When I was told I have breast cancer, I cried because that “Cancer” word is so scary.  Im sure we’ve all known or atleast heard of someone that became an angel because of the aweful disease… And we’ve all know amazing warriors and survivors who have kicked cancers butt👊🏻 Aside from just the diagnosis name and “fear of the unknowns”… Aside from knowing chemo is going to make me feel like shit, I was most upset about losing my hair. I literally just got my hair to grow like Rapunzel and found the perfect products to keep my hair glowing… And it all gets taken away, but not exactly because I took it away myself!

At night when John and I would talk in bed, I became most upset when I talked about losing my hair. I talked a little bit about this in my hair cutting post, which I still cannot believe I actually went through wit it!! To me, my hair is what made me beautiful. This probably sounds so stupid to those of you that are reading this…

 My hair boosted my confidence. To me, I feel like a woman with long flowey hair is so feminine. Its just the look I find to be beautiful. Ive kept my hair a gorgeous golden blonde for years… Im naturally dirty blonde, but the highlights to me, made me feel shimmery in the sunlight and that made me feel  special and beautiful.

I am absolutely not saying that short hair isnt beautiful. My sister Samii Ryan is a model and is stunning with her shaved head and side extensions… But she also dresses and styles herself to be a “bad ass chick”. When I put on her clothes, i look like a fool… Its just our styles are different… I was always a “Becky” as my sisters would say. I dress like a barbie girl, in pink, sparkles, heels when my knees arent bad, cute skinny jeans or leggings with long sweaters and uggs in winter and cute booty shorts with my MK sequin sandals in summer. Im like an all american girl ya know! I never ever wear hats or t shirts or sneakers… No no no! ☝🏻️  

I guess right now, there is nothing I can really do about my reflection but think and hope and dream that this is all temporary. Everything happens for a reason, maybe this is a lesson I have to be taught! Deep down my biggest upset is that John will be embarrased of me or think that I am ugly:( Hes such an unbelievable guy, morning/night and all throughout the day he will tell me how beautiful I am… But I just feel bad because to me i’m ugly. I dont want his friends to see me without a wig and like think hes stuck with this like she-man looking person. I feel sick now looking at my wedding pictures and seeing how gorgeous we both look and now 2 weeks later I look like this…

I knew this was going to be hard and suck. Its just so so so so heart breaking how aside from being sick, feeling like crap, having to go through treatments… on top of emotional and physical stress… Cancer also takes away that one thing that can keep you going. For me, thats my beauty. 

I said from the beginning I absolutely refuse to “look sick” and from today on, this promise is whats going to get me through all this! I will be doing my makeup each and every day, I will spend money on clothes that are fashionable, and I will be wearing wigs that make me feel beautiful when I look in that damn mirror! Sorry Cancer… You may have taken my hair which to me was so beautiful, but you will NOT take my spirit. This is the LAST time I cry about stupid hair! Wake up Meghan👊🏻 

Xoxo Meg

Click here to see how I feel, Disney style of course!