One week until my double mastectomies and I think my sparkle is just starting to fade. Call it anxiety, call it depression… I dont know what it is, but im beginning to feel defeated! Literally after this weekend trying to clean my house perfectly, make adaptations to clothes so I maintain some sort of independence (gotta use my OT skills here people…), juggling work with Izzys appointments and him starting chemo on Thursday, i’ve just about had enough. I want to have an amazing “last weekend” before my surgery then I realized I said I would work Saturday… FAIL! On Sunday I am planning a “Ta Ta to the Tata’s” party — (thanks Bean for the name) where I hope to see some friends and just relax! After my complete FAIL yesterday at adding simple zippers to some t-shirts, I felt absolutely defeated. I went to bed really early so I could wake up for work with a smile on my face… But then my anxiety kicked in.
So, this whole cancer nonsense may have turned me into a hyperchondriac, but 2 days ago the upper part of my chest near my collar bone I noticed hurt like a bruise under my skin. Now let me mind you, my 85lb puppy who thinks hes the size of a tea cup poodle has pounced on my head and body a few times this past week… But of course my first instinct is to feel for lumps and bumps. No sign of enlarged lymph nodes or anything… But it freaked me out.
Today after a longgg day of work, I of course was messing with the spot and decided to call my oncologist… Not that they’ll do anything because my surgery is literally next Monday and everything is coming out, but still. Turns out my oncologist is on vacation to Costa Rico (lucky lady!) and her nurse wasn’t very concerned that it could be anything.
Over concerned me still wasn’t satisfied so I went to the Health Center at work. Turns out the amazingly kind and compassionate nurse working is also a Cancer Survivor and patient of my oncologist! What a small world! She felt the spot, which by this point i’m just in tears because i’m so overwhelmed… And felt nothing! She reassured me that this is what cancer survivors do. Every lump, bump, or pain is cancer. She said one thing to me that stuck as she was handing me tissues and calling my nurse to let her know she didnt feel anything… “You have to stay positive”.
Positivity literally has carried me through this entire Cancer filled journey, and I cannot give up now! After crying all the way home, I opened the door to a beautifully clenaned house because my husband is amazing! As I sat on the couch, Mr. Izzy Monster jumped on my lap, cuddled up in a ball and just laid his head down. John of course came over and hugged me reassuring me that everything is going to be fine, and I start balling again. This time, Izzy decided to lick my entire face and tears away! In that moment, I realized how pointless tears like these really are!
John went to class and I walked into the kitchen to find a little pillow I bought this weekend as a “just because” type purchase. In this instant I decided I MUST Sparkle On! Enough of the tears, enough getting overwhelmed… I have to make it through a couple more months to close the book on this chapter of my life forever! There is absolutely No reason to give up now when the end is soooo close! The next couple weeks are going to suck… And I cant promise that there wont be anymore tears… But I absolutely promise to Sparkle On*
5 thoughts on “When Sparkle Begins to Fade…You MUST Sparkle On!”
Hi Meghan. After I met you the other day in my office I looked at you and your eyes and I felt every bit of what you were feeling as I am the nurse you met who is the breast cancer survivor . My heart went out to you as I am much older than you and for you to have to go through this at a such a young age broke my heart. However, I see in you a person with a great sense of humor which is so important to have during this tough time. We still need to laugh. A person who shows great strength and a person who is an amazing writer! Keep writing as its therapy for the heart. It is definitely a long, tough road however cry when you need to cry, take time for yourself to heal and stay as positive as you can. You can and you will get through this! I am so glad I met you! You are already an inspiration to so many others!!
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Hey kathy! I must say, almost a year later i have my life back!!!! I have had to change settings but im working full time as an OT and life is so so good! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being my shoulder to cry on that day! Xo
I had my double mastectomy on December 9, 2015. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. My breasts were completely numb, my pain was coming from the sides, where the nerve endings were, and where the drains were. To me the drains were worse than the mastectomy itself. I felt good by Christmas, I got to open my own gifts and video my children. It was wonderful. I have tissue expanders, I have them filled with 800cc and will be getting my silicone tatas on August 26. The reason I am waiting until August to complete my boob reconstruction is so I can get my port removed at the same time. I have to do Herceptin until the first part of August due to my cancer was Her2+. I was 34 at time of diagnosis, I see that you are a woman in her 20s. It’s sad to know that we are so young when diagnosed with this terrible disease. I am following you on instagram, I like to see all the awesome glitter that you are always using. Good luck with your upcoming surgery. Hoping for a speedy recovery.
Thank i soooo much for messaging me! That is csooo comforting to hear! Weird question i forgot to ask my surgeon… Right after surgery does the expander have anything in it or is it a completely flat chest?
It depends on if you have enough skin remaining after surgery. My surgeon filled my expanders with 120cc per breast. But it still looked so flat. I went from a D to a C. That’s okay, just happy to have healthy breasts again, even if they are rock hard fake things without nipples. I so look forward to getting silicone
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