One week until my double mastectomies and I think my sparkle is just starting to fade. Call it anxiety, call it depression… I dont know what it is, but im beginning to feel defeated! Literally after this weekend trying to clean my house perfectly, make adaptations to clothes so I maintain some sort of independence (gotta use my OT skills here people…), juggling work with Izzys appointments and him starting chemo on Thursday, i’ve just about had enough. I want to have an amazing “last weekend” before my surgery then I realized I said I would work Saturday… FAIL! On Sunday I am planning a “Ta Ta to the Tata’s” party — (thanks Bean for the name) where I hope to see some friends and just relax! After my complete FAIL yesterday at adding simple zippers to some t-shirts, I felt absolutely defeated. I went to bed really early so I could wake up for work with a smile on my face… But then my anxiety kicked in.
So, this whole cancer nonsense may have turned me into a hyperchondriac, but 2 days ago the upper part of my chest near my collar bone I noticed hurt like a bruise under my skin. Now let me mind you, my 85lb puppy who thinks hes the size of a tea cup poodle has pounced on my head and body a few times this past week… But of course my first instinct is to feel for lumps and bumps. No sign of enlarged lymph nodes or anything… But it freaked me out.
Today after a longgg day of work, I of course was messing with the spot and decided to call my oncologist… Not that they’ll do anything because my surgery is literally next Monday and everything is coming out, but still. Turns out my oncologist is on vacation to Costa Rico (lucky lady!) and her nurse wasn’t very concerned that it could be anything.
Over concerned me still wasn’t satisfied so I went to the Health Center at work. Turns out the amazingly kind and compassionate nurse working is also a Cancer Survivor and patient of my oncologist! What a small world! She felt the spot, which by this point i’m just in tears because i’m so overwhelmed… And felt nothing! She reassured me that this is what cancer survivors do. Every lump, bump, or pain is cancer. She said one thing to me that stuck as she was handing me tissues and calling my nurse to let her know she didnt feel anything… “You have to stay positive”.
Positivity literally has carried me through this entire Cancer filled journey, and I cannot give up now! After crying all the way home, I opened the door to a beautifully clenaned house because my husband is amazing! As I sat on the couch, Mr. Izzy Monster jumped on my lap, cuddled up in a ball and just laid his head down. John of course came over and hugged me reassuring me that everything is going to be fine, and I start balling again. This time, Izzy decided to lick my entire face and tears away! In that moment, I realized how pointless tears like these really are!
John went to class and I walked into the kitchen to find a little pillow I bought this weekend as a “just because” type purchase. In this instant I decided I MUST Sparkle On! Enough of the tears, enough getting overwhelmed… I have to make it through a couple more months to close the book on this chapter of my life forever! There is absolutely No reason to give up now when the end is soooo close! The next couple weeks are going to suck… And I cant promise that there wont be anymore tears… But I absolutely promise to Sparkle On*