I met a patient today who was blind. Unable to see even shadows, this man primarily utilized his other senses to compensate from his lack of vision. He was a very kind man and had many stories to tell about his pets, his family, and even about his blindness.
Towards the end of my occupational therapy session with this admirable man, he looked up at myself and the physical therapist who was also in the room and said, “I can tell im in the room with two beautiful blonde ladies”. Coincidently he was close to accurate despite being completely blind. The physical therapist I was working with indeed was blonde, and my whole life I was blonde, however since my chemo ended and as my hair is growing back to be a much darker color than Ive ever had… This comment made me slightly uncomfortable.
Im pretty sure this is like the fourth blog post about my hair, and you may be completely fed up with me rambling about how much I miss what I used to look like… But I would be absolutely lying if I were to say that looks dont matter. Truth is, my long haired, thin, bubble butt self was attractive in my eyes. I never exactly had significant body image issues before. Of course I saw my flaws… I knew I should work out more and eat healthier, dont we all know that! What I didnt know and what I wanted to believe was that the person I am on the inside refected on my outside… But what the hell does that even mean?!
The dang truth is, you cannot be truly happy until you are happy with yourself. I am not happy with how I look therefore I have been more sappy and sad. I completely understand now why some girls are so hard on themselves when it comes to looks. Although I have friends and family who tell me im beautiful regularly… Newsflash, I kind of want to punch you in the cooter!
Its very difficult being a girl! You know whats even more difficult, having 1 sister who is a model, and another sister who can literally pull off any style so whether her hair is long like rapunzel or a short shaved bob, she still comes off as the artsy beauty she is in everyday life. It has been sooooo difficult to look in the mirror and see this new, temporary me, or take pictures with my sisters or beautiful cousins when they all are so stunning and I feel fat, bald, and ugly.
Okay okay, cancer isnt all that bad. (What did she just say?!) I mean, Cancer does bring us a few blessings. For six months now, I have NOT had a period! Can we all praise Jesus for this one! Im pretty sure bleeding for almost a week straight from our most cherished whoohas is frankly torture in itself, then you add shoving a wad of compressed tissue (aka a tampon because pads are simply raunch) up your coochie and thats supposed to be a party?! Um no! Its frankly evil! So thank you Cancer for temporarily taking that away…
Did you know I didnt have to shave for about 5 months! Yes, its true… My naked mole rat self was silky smooth for months and I absolutely LOVED it! I didnt have to waste time or razors shaving my legs, the all so cherished parts, and going through womens 2nd torture… Waxing those damn eye brows! Although I did have to spend the time to draw them on everyday, and I will admit that there may have been days that I was rushing and possibly drew crooked brows or a shape that made it seem I had a permanent resting bitch face, however I sort of enjoy getting the perfect shape vs. broadcasting my busted natural brows for the world to see.
Oh and I get a fresh start. Okay, I really have mixed feelings about this one… But by shaving my head, I 1. Was able to try a new hair style ever though I hate it, 2. I am able to cut my time getting ready in the morning to like 15 mins from the 45 mins I used to spend on hair and makeup, and 3. All the years of damage I put my hair through with bleach and Highlights I am finally able to start new! Even my eyelashes are growing in new! However, I refuse to not wear my falsies… Because their fabulous DUH!
But, how could this man that was blind say that the two of us were beautiful? Even more specific, blonde and beautiful? Does being blonde make you beautiful? Okay okay… Do blondes really have more fun? (i added that last question obvi… But really!)
Brunettes, red heads, and dark haired beauties… Im sorry to tell you but I realy miss being a blonde:(! No offense… But in my case, I think my blonde hair image I created for myself gave me the spunk and ability to feel sexy and beautiful. Now that my hair is coming in darker, I cant help but feel bland.
But ultimately… What is beautiful?
In this moment, I learned a lesson that ive been fighting this entire Cancer experience. Some people do see beauty from the inside out. This man who couldnt see anything past the impression he devised after what he heard and felt emotionally through my session. He was able to say that I was a beautiful person, not by what he saw (and especially today because I was lazy and didnt put makeup on) but off of the way I am as a person! Why cant I see that when I look in the mirror (wah))
The truth is, I look in the mirror and I am discusted. (Do not contact me and tell me im beautiful because i already warned you about the crotch shots I will be giving out!) My face is so much rounder, my hair is short and dark, my natural bows are haggered, my skin color has changed and my dark circles are more prominant than ever, oh ya…and my once flat tummy and cute tush is now jiggly and frankly repulsive… However, with a little bit of makeup, a cute wig, and more and more shopping sprees(sorry John!),I have learned to feel pretty again!
I tell myself this is only temporary, and Hells… I can promise you this IS temporary! Heck, next Monday is the start of having my new Barbie parts ive always wanted… Oh ya and being Cancer Free I guess thats the most important part right;) Although I hate how I look naturally, I am so so so blessed that there are so many creative people in the world inventing beauty techniques that indeed make you feel beautiful! They say “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, and I cannot agree more! I may not see myself as beautiful now… But watch out, because Meghan is coming back full out Barbie… Blonde hair, pink heels, plastic parts, oh ya and I will still be sparkling on!
PS: Thanks to Shofilms… here is a video of me taking control and shaving my head before Cancer took it from me!