2016 Review: My Scars are Beautiful


2016, you have taught me that my scars are beautiful! I started the year bald as Mr. Clean! Much of the year I battled accepting my “new” cancer look as every strand of hair left my body… and I mean every strand! I worked my way into February as I battled severe reactions to chemo, practically scaring my family half to death each time they would pump the poison through my port. I finished 12 rounds of chemo, then had my double mastectomy in April. Oh I almost forgot, my Tata to the tatas party! My hair slowly began to grown back and soon enough I looked like a chinchilla! My sister of course helped me through as her locks grew back after she shaved her head late last year, we battled the awkward stages together! I went through many painful expander fills then faced my next cancer hurdle of 30 rounds of intensive radiation! Now we cant forget our dear puppers Izzy beating cancer as well! He too went through two rounds of chemo and multiple major surgeries… we are both so blessed to be cancer free today!  I had begun battling many of the residual treatment side effects like fatigue, hot flashes, and pain, then I was forced to find a new job towards the end of summer because working in acute care was just too much for my damaged body. Luckily, I accepted my dream job working with kids come September! Finally, life was restarting! 

Now lets not just focus on the woooohs of 2016, John and I actually found time to do some trAveling! Thanks to our amazing family, we were able to go on a honeymoon cruise and it was so amazing to get away! We also visited Wildwood, NYC, and Canada! We went to multiple Pittsburgh based team games, and always found something fun to do together, with friends, and family! John was in two weddings, and I was in two different weddings, each was a celebration of love and we were so blessed to take part in those special days! Team SparkleOn even got to run in its very 1st 5K race in Pittsburgh, and I must say that my super hero cape from my alma mater Misericordia University just made the day unforgettable!Come Fall, I had the opportunity to attend Jamies Dream Team 2nd annual gala where I got to do my 1st major speech, and yes I cried through the whole thing! I even had the opportunity to return to Misericordia University, my alma mater and speak about breast cancer!I have kept up with my blog http://www.shesparkleson.com and have found myself becoming more and more of an advocate to other lovely survivors! 

I think the biggest thing that 2016 has taught me is that I am beautiful. I am beautiful from the inside out. Stripped of my hair, lashes, lipstick, and foundation… I am me! It doesnt matter how much makeup I wear, what designer shoes are on my feet, how my highlights look, or if Im wearing sweatpants in public… if someone doesnt take the time to know me before judging me from the outside, than they aren’t worth it! 2016 has taught me to be one tough cookie, and truthfully I dont think I would have ever become this Meghan without my cancer journey! I say it all the time, cancer has truly saved my life by making me a better ME!

I have an absolutely amazing husband! Like I cant even explain how freakin thankful I am to have you in my life! When I was bald you loved me, when I was swollen from steroids you loved me! Boobs or no boobs, you loved me! You have done research, have been to every appointment and surgery, you have lost hoursssss of sleep because you were worried about me being in pain so you would wake me up every few hours. Not to mention working, cleaning, cooking, and dealing with Izzy! I cant imagine my life without you, thank you and I love you! 

My parents, I am so blessed to have you two in my life. Now I’m not gonna say that we haven’t had our share of arguments, however I truly feel that this year tested our whole family, and I was given the opportunity to see first handedly how a parent would drop their life to be by my side. I have no idea how much money I even owe my dad for everything hes helped with this past year and weve done sooo many things together, the memories are truly unforgettable! And mom, you spent an entire month away from your life to help me when I was having cold sweats and nauseous from chemo! Oh, and thanks for the awkward shopping trips when weird old women would pray over my bald head… awkward! But truly, i could not have survived 2016 without the two of you! Thank you, and I love you!

To my little sister Jill, my rock and partner in crime! You have been there for me for every single part of this past year whether it be trying on wigs, yelling for the nurse to save me as I couldnt breath, or to wipe my tears before or after a surgery because I was scared or in pain. You drove all the way to Pittsburgh, soooo many times just to be with me, and it meant the world to me! Last year, when you shaved off your freakin hair just to help me through the hardest part of the cancer journey battling baldness, I still cant believe you did that! But, this year, you rocked that short hair and still help me daily to feel pretty in my new skin! Whether you were taking pictures of me or Izzy, you gave me memories I will have forever! Thank you, and I love you!

To my in laws and brother! Bet you would have never expected this past year to go the way it did after last years magical wedding! I am so thankful I am now part of your family! You have taught me to love with my entire heart, and you have loved me, accepted my family, and have been there to hold my hand throughout this entire journey! Thank you for the endless dinners you’ve paid for, and the countless memories and laughs! Thank you, and I love you!

My best friends, and a special shout out to my cousin Cindy, best friends Dustin, Amy, BFF Greg… thank you for standing by my side. If I had an appointment, surgery, or simply a bad day… you all in your own way loved me and my family and helped us to make it through some of the hardest times! I truly forever owe you thanks! Thank you, and I love you all!

Finally, my followers, aquantences, and other cancer sisters… I could not have made it through this year without you! Thank you for loving me and supporting my journey to #sparkleon!

2016 sucked alot but it was wonderful all at the same time! I cant say I would ever want to relive this past year… but if I had to, I would use my lessons this past year to strive and overcome like I do everything in life! This year, I have learned to love myself! I love my family. I love helping other people like me battling this awful disease! I love my job and being an Occupational Therapist. I truly love my life! So 2017, I know for a fact you could never beat out 2016… so I dare you, bring it on, but please be kind! 

Xo Meg

Advertisements

Christmas Blues: Injury/Sickness Christmas 2016 with the Koziels

img_8120I look back at my Timehop, and the past 5 years at least… I’ve been sick on Christmas. Now, I’m not even talking like cancer sick. I swear, people at my old jobs had to of thought I was just trying to get more holiday time off… because I swear its like Christmas eve eve and BANG its like sickness shall dwell upon Meghan. I am not even kidding.

So, as you all know I had my lovely breast reconstruction or “foobies” as I like to refer to them placed last Thursday– blog to come. It really time-wise worked out perfectly because with my new school-based job, I get an extended holiday break as it is vs. working Christmas eve late shift in the hospital, working the day after Christmas and only having New Years off as my “holiday” because I would always let the people with kids get Christmas time. Plus,  I used to love to party it up for New Years!

Anyways… so the days leading to my surgery, Meghan’s luck what happens… I get a sore throat and cough. Like go freakin figure. I swear i chugged about 3 boxes of Theraflu because I refused for the doctor to cancel my procedure. So ya dada, I get my foobies. Of course, learning experience! Infection aside, I get why doctors ask if you’ve had a cough in X amount of days, because holy hells does it hurt to cough post op boob job! I mean, I’m sure they don’t really care about that reason… but for reals! Every time I had to cough I was legit doubled over and couldn’t actually complete a full cough, pathetic I know but it freakin hurt!

Okay, back to Christmas sicknesses. So, one week and a few days post foobies, Christmas eve eve and John and I are running around like majority of The world because Christmas is only a few days a way. Side note:  Why do people wait until the last minute for Christmas shopping? I told John today, its not like Christmas magically changes every year… hells, its legit on December 25th every stinkin year… and we have a whole 364 days to prepare for it yearly… why do we wait for days before to rush around to make it perfect? I dont know… but, John has been complaining about a headache all day. Ive loaded him up with Exedrin and hes been busy with power tools in the garage and “im not allowed” in my closet… thats all I know, i guess we will have to wait until Christmas to debunk that mystery.

Anyways, on and off all day hed come upstairs and say how he has this headache in the front of his head. Hed sit down a while, play on his phone, then get back to tinkering. Its probably like 6:00 pm and his little cousins come over so their parents and make the Christmas magic come to life… and we had all these plans to watch ALL “The Santa Clause” movies and go see the lights downtown. John says again, “wow my head really hurts”. He sits down and starts complaining that hes cold. Big red flag, John is NEVER ever cold! I decide to feel his head and hes burning up. I grab my thermometer and he has a freakin fever of 102*. Oh just lovely.

So, I quarantined him in the basement and am running around making snacks etc for the boys. I gave him some tylenol and theraflu and in a little while his lovely fever started to go down as beads of sweat dripped down his forehead.

Our upstairs bathroom needed toilet paper so I brought some up and came back downstairs to check on my sickied up little hubby because Im usually the one sick and he takes care of me, I’m not used to this reversed role here! So I’m walking down the stairs and BAM. Yup, a week post-op and I fell right down the stairs. Damn protective reflexes caused my arms to out stretch to help catch my fall and I felt a pop. FUCK!

Instant pain down my chest, anxiety because I’m scared I messed up my tits, and back to the jolts of pain that were shooting down my right boob. Mother of pearl! John jumps up from a dead sleep, I’m hysterical… were a freakin mess.

He does what he does best and calms me down. I take some pain medicine, and decide to drive his little cousins down the road to my mother in laws house. I decided John and I officially need to go to bed. I instructed my dear hubby to jump in the shower and scrub off the sweat from his fever breaking. I get home and his hair is dry.

He goes you will not believe what happened. So apparently, he went down the lower basement stairs (side note: i fell down the middle basement stairs), and he fell whacking his elbow and back. In his words “i went down hard”. Like what are the freakin chances…

So, both Koziel’s are all banged up… no hospital visits just yet, but we shall see in the morning. For now it is safe to say, we need to get some sleep! And I hope and pray we are both better for some Christmas fun in the days to come!

UPDATE: I had many Christmas surprises this year! 1. My little sister surprised me and came all the way to Pittsburgh with my dad, so it was truly magical getting to spend the weekend with her! and 2.  John made me the ultimate organized closet! He is truly my handyman! Life is oh so good<3

Xo Meg

Xeloda- Just Not for Me

IMG_6849.jpg
November 5, 2015- 1st day of IV chemo and November 5, 2016- 1st day of oral chemo

It is finally time during my cancer journey for me to have three-month check-ups. It is so crazy and feels so weird that I don’t have to go to the doctors every day/ multiple times a week, in a way I felt lost at first when my oncologist said to me, “I will see you in three months”! Like my thoughts were, what do you mean three months! I cannot go without a check-up! A cancer patients worst nightmare is “what if the cancer comes back”! To me, if I wasn’t seeing my doctors so often, maybe I would miss a symptom or something, I don’t know… perhaps I’ve just become dependent on my team! With my oncologist, surgeons, fertility specialists, geneticists, gynecologist, dietician, and primary care physician… I was so used to all angles being covered.

img_6801

My three-month check up was scheduled and I decided to go without my hubby because basically it was just a check-up right? WRONG. So, I got all dolled up because I love showing my medical team that even though I have cancer, I can still look fabulous. At this point, I feel good, I have a new job, life is good! Until that appointment…

I signed in and said some hellos then was called back for my vitals assessment. I stepped on the scale, wanted to throw-up over my weight, they took my blood pressure and pulse and walked me to an exam room. A “normal” patient waits for the nurse to walk out before changing into a gown however its so usual for me to talk and change, I’m sure the nurse just laughs at me— I mean lets be real, what do I have to hide?!

My amazing oncologist Dr. Raymond came in a few minutes later, and performed her little exam. It always makes me laugh because the pre-cancer me would have felt so awkward having a doctor feel me up… then the cancer me whips open the gown and encourages a thorough wax on/ wax off of the titty tatas… I DO NOT want her to miss a bump!

She explained everything was normal, which was what I expected and the reason I didn’t drag John to yet another appointment. I closed up my gown and she sat down… FYI: when doctors sit down and make themselves comfy, typically there is something about to come out of their mouth that you may not want to hear! The next few words out of her mouth I only caught in bits and pieces. “Chemo… six months… minimal side effects… increase survival” were a few words I may have heard prior to my heart practically jumping out of my body.

When I focused more onto what my doctor was saying, it turned out that she was recommending a preventative chemo regimen because—news to me, I didn’t respond to typical chemo as good as they had hoped. Just to remind you all, I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer with tumor and 2 lymph node involvement. I am HER 2 (-), Estrogen (+) therefore my treatment is kind of tricky.

xeloda_logo.gif

Xeloda (chemical name: capecitabine) is an oral chemotherapy that newest research has found to be a beneficial preventative drug when used along with regular chemo regimens. In the past, this specific drug has been used to treat advanced-stage breast cancer that had stopped responding to regular chemotherapy. It is typically given before surgery to weaken or shrink the cancer cells as a neoadjuvant treatment. “Neoadjuvant treatment often is recommended when the breast cancer is large, aggressive, and/or has spread beyond the breast to surrounding tissue” (thank you breastcancer.org).

As per my doctor, because I had to stop traditional chemotherapy early due to my multiple allergic reactions, when my surgical oncologist performed my mastectomy and my tumor/ surrounding tissues were assessed, it turns out that my tumor actually looked like swiss cheese. Basically, the chemo had an effect however not a complete effect therefore in doctor terms, there is “residual disease”. There were still cancer cells found in my tumor however lucky for me, my amazing surgeon DID get clear margins during my procedure. This means that the outline of tissue taken was clean of cancer cells. In essence and hopefully reality, if there is clear margins there are no lingering cancer cells… hopefully however being that there is still residual disease, that’s the problem and that’s where this lovely cancer journey just never seems to end!

Anyways back to Xeloda. So basically, my doctor who I literally and trusting with my life is telling me to go back through chemo. I felt like my life was crumbling from underneath my feet! Just when I felt like I had a grasp on my situation and things were looking good for me and my family… BOOM, cancer reminds you it is still there… DAMN L As I held back my tears with a huge ball in my throat, she explained why she was recommending this treatment and what the research says because she knows I only trust in the numbers.

xeloda-1401512

There was a Japanese study conducted that used Xeloda on women diagnosed with early-stage, HER2-negative breast cancer with residual disease after surgery and it turns out, they had a better survival compared to women who didn’t get chemotherapy after surgery. It always upsets me hearing something like this because when I step back and look at my whole picture. I am 27 years young and just because of CANCER my life expectancy is already lower than other healthy girls my age… that’s a little bit sad in a way. I mean of course anyone can die tomorrow, but like GOSH I hate being a statistic…

So about the numbers, and these are from the link below… “Half the women in the study were younger than 48 years old and half were older; 58% of them were premenopausal. About 63% of the cancers were hormone-receptor-positive. After about 5 years of follow-up, the researchers found that women who were treated with Xeloda after surgery had better disease-free survival than women who didn’t get chemotherapy after surgery:

  • 1% of the women treated with Xeloda were alive with no recurrence
  • 7% of the women who didn’t get chemotherapy were alive with no recurrence

Xeloda also improved overall survival:

  • 2% of the women treated with Xeloda were alive
  • 9% of the women who didn’t get chemotherapy were alive

When the researchers grouped the women by age, hormone-receptor-status, cancer grade, or type of neoadjuvant chemotherapy, they found that Xeloda still improved survival.”

Okay, well after all those amazing stats I would be dumb to say no right?! I think my doctor saw the shock in my eyes though and sent me home to “think about it” and talk it over with my family. I literally left her office, walked to my car, and began hysterical crying. I called John and could hardly get the words out. In that moment, I felt defeated. Although it’s all preventative and technically I am CANCER FREE… its just so upsetting. Its like I take 1 step forward and 5 steps backward, it sucks!

After doing my own independent research, talking to my family, and ultimately trusting in GOD, I decided that this is something I have to atleast try. Heck, an oral chemo is better than normal chemo right?! The next day Dr. Raymond actually called me personally after office hours because she felt that I was overwhelmed at my appointment. She sort of set my mind to ease by explaining this decision is up to me… however they always get you when they say, “but if you were my daughter..”, Gosh just sign me up then!

After almost two weeks of getting insurance clearance then delivery from a specialty pharmacy… I finally had my lovely chemo pills in my possession. The pharmacist actually had to verbally go over all the side effects and precautions because it is a chemotherapy drug so of course I hear all the worst of the worst things that “may” happen however they always follow-up by saying, “don’t worry though normally people do really good on this drug”— they don’t know me though!

I was not allowed to start the drug until I had bloodwork done and met with Dr. Raymond again. I packed my pills up and went into her office again—however this time, a little more prepared for shocking news than the last time. Still upset over the whole situation, her nurse who I absolutely love and feel as though ive grown extremely close walked in and I started hysterical crying. WHY MEGHAN!!!! I always feel like such a loser when I do these sort of things however… GOSH do I feel so much better after!

I guess facing chemo and “cancer treatments” again and just knowing all I went through during my traditional treatment, basically I’m scared! I already absolutely HATE taking medications, it just doesn’t sit too well with me that Im putting poison into my body to supposedy “heal me”. It just overwhelming L

After a big hug and the doctor explaining to me that she will not force me to do this yadada… I was given paperwork to sign and in about two seconds of signing my name I felt like I was signing the trust of my life to another person Ive barely known for more than a year! What has my life become…

Next we discussed the part I was most interested in: Side effects. Being that Xeloda is a chemotherapy drug, it does have all the same side effects as any typical chemo nausea, vomiting, hair loss you know everything people typically relate to CANCER. However, the most common side effects of Xeloda are

  • neutropenia (low white blood cell count)
  • diarrhea
  • hand-foot syndrome- dry cracked skin as my doctor describes it

Per my doctor and the pharmacist, turns out side effects are “typically” very minimal, but like anything else in this journey— its all trial and error, especially with me.

My doctor decided to put me on the lowest doseage of 2500 mg a day (2 pills in the am, 3 pills in the pm) for 6 months (1 week on/ 1 week). After receiving my doseage, I immediately made a stop at our local pharmacy to pick up my prescription once it was all cleared by insurance yadada. John and I decided to go away for the weekend and coincidentally it was the same weekend that I would be starting to take my chemo pills.

Side note: I probably dont say it enough… but my husband is absolutely amazing. Knowing how nervous I was about beginning chemo again, he made arrangements for us to take a mini weekend trip to his families cabin where me and Izzy literally sat on the couch for two days watching Netflix! It was sooooo needed!

Anyways, my Xeloda schedule was to be taken twice a day, 12 hrs apart. This sounds simple until I realized that my weekend and weekday pill schedule had to remain the same. So, finding a time that would work for work hours and attempting to sleep in a little on the weekend was a little bit of a challenge. I decided that 8:00 am and pm would be my magic numbers. As the clock read 7:58…7:59…8:00 my heart sunk as I placed the rather large pills into my mouth. A big gulp of water and ai was officially a chemo patient, again:(

img_6849

Coincidentally, I signed onto TimeHop and on this exact day 1 year ago, I began IV chemo! So weird! After taking my first doseage I tried to relax and not imagine that I literally just ingested poison. The first day ai really didnt notice any major side effects other than being tired but I also had to account for my laziness and being relaxed away from society at the cabin.

That night I took my next dose and it wasnt until the following morning dose that that good ole sense of nausea presented itself. I tried to get something in my stomach but literally just did not feel well. We headed home and I called my doctor to see if she could call me in some nausea medicine. Being a Sunday, the on call doctor had to be paged then once I finally talked to her my pharmacy closed.

CVS.png

WHY I HATE CVS…

I called around and found that the local CVS had late hours on a Sunday, so I called them to see if I was allowed to have my prescription called in there. Long story short I hate CVS. Basically they didnt tell me that they dont take my insurance, then… I called them around 7:00 because I hadn’t received a message or phone call that my prescription was filled and the girl says, “oh were closing in 5 minutes”.  SAY WHAT! I wanting to burst into tears!  1. feeling nauseated is one of the absolute worst feelings in the world, and 2.  this girl knew I just started chemo and was nauseous from it, why in the world would she not call me knowing I went out of my way to have it sent to their pharmacy!  What kind of heartless individuals does CVS hire!  I immediately begged her to wait 10 minutes so I could come and pick up the prescription.  She said she could only wait 5, and my mother in law flew out of the house in a rush to get there before closing.  About 4 minutes later, the pharmacist called me back and said we have to close the store… my response was my mother in law is probably right outside– however they were unable to remain open, despite it being their fault for not letting me know the prescription was filled.

Can you believe my mother in law got there as they were closing up and the girl had the nerve to say she could get the prescription transferred to another CVS 15 minutes away! THE FREAKIN NERVE! I mean, I never ever ever pull the “cancer card”… but BITCH I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO VOM FROM POISON THAT KEEPS YOU HAVING A JOB! How in the hell does a person with any sort of heart just close knowing that someone is suffering? I don’t get it!  When you go into a position in the helping field, sometimes things happen and you have to go out of your way to help people… I get it, her shift was done, but I could never do that to someone! My whole thing is… there had been plenty of days when I was working in the hospital and things happen at the end of the day and I stayed late… doctors stay late… nurses stay late, why would a pharmacist literally not wait 2 minutes!  Biatch gets paid enough, she could have waited… I may or may not have wished her to have severe diarrhea as payback 😉

Anyways, my amazing mother in law did get the prescription transferred to another CVS and the man working was extremely caring and got the medication I needed.  I literally was so irrate and now I refuse to go to CVS for anything because they SUCK! 😉

Okay back to Xeloda…

So, the next day I went to work despite feeling really sick… but made it through the day.  The following day I woke up extremely nauseous and dizzy.  I was having an increase in hot flashes and just felt sick.  I called my doctor to request another anti-nausea pill and we came to the conclusion that being that this is a preventative treatment, there is no reason for me to be suffering and having this medicine affect my overall life.  I mean, I literally just started my dream job, I don’t have time right now to be a chemo patient again.

In conclusion, I was a chemo patient for an additional 4-5 days.  I have since quit taking the medication and am once again back to being me and sparkling on!

XOXO

Meg

 

For more info, check out: http://www.breastcancer.org/research-news/xeloda-improves-survival-for-some

 

Breast Reconstruction: My Free Boob Job

15349772_10154583893765781_7472968222000626457_n.jpg

I knew this day was bound to come… but this morning, I officially woke up in night sweats and it being hard to breath due to a nightmare about my upcoming breast reconstruction.  As many of you that have been following my journey know, I had a double mastectomy with expanders placed in April, and my six months is officially up… therefore, I am supposedly healed enough to pop out the expanders and get some “real” but “fake” boobies, or foobies as I like to refer to them as!

belle_by_foxmaster5-d4l7na4.jpg

Anyone that knows me personally is aware that my whole life I have wanted fake boobs.  Therefore, I am not one of those breast cancer victims who is anti the free boob job thing.  Okay, I get it… its not really “free” considering all i’ve been through and i’m sure in all actuality its like ten times more expensive so thank God I have insurance. Truthfully, I’m pretty freakin excited about it.

All judgements aside, to me a little bit of Nip Tuck is a good thing sometimes.  I have always had smaller boobs than any of my sisters.  Not saying my boobs weren’t adorable before they had to be chopped off (thank you stupid cancer!) because they really were!  My dad would always say, “more than a handful (or for the more censored ears– mouth full) is just a waste”.  1. Dad gross, please don’t give me that advice ever again, and 2.  I have always watched the celebrities and was simply fascinated with having that fake boob, Barbie girl look.  Bring on the DDs, I want some big ole titties!!!

IMG_7005
Pre/Post Mastectomy boobies

But really, my pre-cancer B cup boobies were just a teensy bit too small for my liking.  I mean, come on my one sister is in Play Boy for God sake! I want cleavage without having to spend 100.00 on a Victoria Secret Miraculous Bombshell bra that literally makes you feel like a phoney with about 5 pairs of socks shoved in your bra per booby!  And DO NOT even get me started on the Miraculous bikinis!  You go into the water and all the padding swells up with water and your once beloved (but still fake) cleavage practically pours out of your shirt as you literally have to wring out each tit because they are now 10lb water balloons!  Now don’t even get me started about once you take that Miraculous bra off in the bed room for a little she bang she bang… its like a freakin magic trick.  Look she has cleavage… unsnap the bra clasp and woolahhh cleavage gone!  Its an awful itty bitty titty commitee life.

So, if I haven’t made myself clear already, I am super excited for the whole idea of a boob job! However, at my pre-op appointment with my plastic surgeon, my hopes and dreams have slowly began to fizzle away. Freakin cancer has reminded me that no bit of this journey is ever actually “fun” or “free”.  I met with my doctor within 30 days of my anticipated breast reconstructive surgery date of December 15, 2016… and LORDYYYY I cannot wait until that day to get these freakin uncomfortable, rock, ball, brick, however you want to describe them expanders out of my body!  Being me, and initially super excited as my doctor is talking about the surgery and asked my favorite statement, “do you have any questions”— the little girl walking down for christmas to see a tree filled with toys excitement lit up in my face.  First, I wanted to know if when he took my expanders out he could put them in a jar and I could take them home, of which his response was “well no, I typically puncture them in surgery anyway to pull them out easier”.  Oh dang, well it was worth a try…  Then I thought about it an DUDE you better take it easy on me in that dang OR!

Anyways, I did ask some real questions as well but mostly focusing on will they be squishy like real boobs, will I have cleavage, can I go BIG?  You gotta love when a doctor simply rolls his eyes and laughs and comes back with “you girls…” as his response.  Here is what I learned about a CANCER boob job vs. Barbie girl boob job:

foobs.jpg

  1. What cup size will I be? Basically all the hopes and dreams of waking up after surgery with DDs is out the window.  After a mastectomy, they take all the infected cancer filled tissue from your body.  The expander is placed under your pec muscle which is then covered with skin.  Basically without expanding, you don’t typically have a lot of room for a HUGE implant to go.  I also had my nipple removed during my mastectomy, so thats even more skin that was once there… that is now in a garbage dump or burnt up into ashes by now.  Implants go by cc or how much of the product fills the implant.  My expanders are currently filled to 360cc which to me look pretty close to my old 34B boobies.  On the day of my surgery, my plastic surgeon will have 3 different sized implants and pretty much try them out and pick which looks best.  I am half tempted to write 470CC on my forehead as a way to convince him to smoosh in the bigger implants:)
  2. What kind of implant will be my new foobies?  Well, there are a lot more choices than silicone or saline.  My surgeon is actually recommending a gummy implant.  It is actually a firmer implant so it wont move like a normal boob, however because of my smaller stature and that fact that my pec muscle isn’t the biggest, this option will provide me with the most stable and aesthetic option.  Basically, the firmer implant will provide me with less of a risk of rippling.  Because the skin is stretched from the expanders and basically I am missing the fat of my natural boobs, there is a chance that once the boobs settle, you could see the outline and the  movement of the implant through my skin if I were to chose something like a straight saline implant.
  3. Will they pop or leak? With a cohesive gel, or gummy implant the risk of popping or leaking is pretty low.  The silicone filled in the implant is much denser than a traditional silicone implant, and the outer cover is thicker.
  4. What kind of incision are we talking?  I take pride in my mastectomy scars in a way.  I didn’t take the advice of any of my doctors on skin care regimens and went with a trial of my own using http://www.rxcannacare.com CBD based lotions and truthfully my scars are so light truly you hardly see them.  It sort of upsets me that he will be cutting open my chest again… however his plan will be to reuse my scars and also “tidy” them up as he said during a process called a scar revision— we shall see how this goes.  Gummy implants do require larger incisions due to their harder nature than other implant types, another reason they are used with mastectomies when the scar is there anyways.
  5. And finally, the topic everyone is wondering… NIPPLES! Well, I have officially chosen to remain nipples.  After my reconstruction heals, I could opt to have an additional surgery where my plastic surgeon could go in, again and place a ball of tissue to give me a lump-like nipple then have a cosmetic tattoo placed as an areola.  I have spoken to some women who say that the reconstructed nipples eventually help to gain a connection with a baby which I hope will be in the future, however, I have grown so accustom to a nice clean chest, and quite frankly, I love not wearing a bra with a white shirt… so, I have decided that these girls are remaining nipple-less!!

what_did_one_saggy_boob_say.jpg

Back to my dream… this morning I woke up with my first nightmare involving my upcoming boob job.  I went in for surgery and it was very similar to my mastectomy… I woke up in the recovery room and looked up at the clock and wasn’t sure if I had surgery or if I was still waiting to go into surgery.  I looked down at my boobs and they were covered in bandages.  Because I am that patient that always peaks under the bandages, I peaked and was instantly unsatisfied.  In my dream, I looked down and had tiny, saggy, boobs and just wanted to cry.  I remember telling my doctor that he better redo them because I was so unsatisfied… looks like I really better write him a note or something and say GO BIG OR GO HOME!

Stay tuned for the booby reveal December 15th!

xoxo Meg