I knew this day was bound to come… but this morning, I officially woke up in night sweats and it being hard to breath due to a nightmare about my upcoming breast reconstruction.  As many of you that have been following my journey know, I had a double mastectomy with expanders placed in April, and my six months is officially up… therefore, I am supposedly healed enough to pop out the expanders and get some “real” but “fake” boobies, or foobies as I like to refer to them as!

Anyone that knows me personally is aware that my whole life I have wanted fake boobs.  Therefore, I am not one of those breast cancer victims who is anti the free boob job thing.  Okay, I get it… its not really “free” considering all i’ve been through and i’m sure in all actuality its like ten times more expensive so thank God I have insurance. Truthfully, I’m pretty freakin excited about it.

All judgements aside, to me a little bit of Nip Tuck is a good thing sometimes.  I have always had smaller boobs than any of my sisters.  Not saying my boobs weren’t adorable before they had to be chopped off (thank you stupid cancer!) because they really were!  My dad would always say, “more than a handful (or for the more censored ears– mouth full) is just a waste”.  1. Dad gross, please don’t give me that advice ever again, and 2.  I have always watched the celebrities and was simply fascinated with having that fake boob, Barbie girl look.  Bring on the DDs, I want some big ole titties!!!

But really, my pre-cancer B cup boobies were just a teensy bit too small for my liking.  I mean, come on my one sister is in Play Boy for God sake! I want cleavage without having to spend 100.00 on a Victoria Secret Miraculous Bombshell bra that literally makes you feel like a phoney with about 5 pairs of socks shoved in your bra per booby!  And DO NOT even get me started on the Miraculous bikinis!  You go into the water and all the padding swells up with water and your once beloved (but still fake) cleavage practically pours out of your shirt as you literally have to wring out each tit because they are now 10lb water balloons!  Now don’t even get me started about once you take that Miraculous bra off in the bed room for a little she bang she bang… its like a freakin magic trick.  Look she has cleavage… unsnap the bra clasp and woolahhh cleavage gone!  Its an awful itty bitty titty commitee life.

So, if I haven’t made myself clear already, I am super excited for the whole idea of a boob job! However, at my pre-op appointment with my plastic surgeon, my hopes and dreams have slowly began to fizzle away. Freakin cancer has reminded me that no bit of this journey is ever actually “fun” or “free”.  I met with my doctor within 30 days of my anticipated breast reconstructive surgery date of December 15, 2016… and LORDYYYY I cannot wait until that day to get these freakin uncomfortable, rock, ball, brick, however you want to describe them expanders out of my body!  Being me, and initially super excited as my doctor is talking about the surgery and asked my favorite statement, “do you have any questions”— the little girl walking down for christmas to see a tree filled with toys excitement lit up in my face.  First, I wanted to know if when he took my expanders out he could put them in a jar and I could take them home, of which his response was “well no, I typically puncture them in surgery anyway to pull them out easier”.  Oh dang, well it was worth a try…  Then I thought about it an DUDE you better take it easy on me in that dang OR!

Anyways, I did ask some real questions as well but mostly focusing on will they be squishy like real boobs, will I have cleavage, can I go BIG?  You gotta love when a doctor simply rolls his eyes and laughs and comes back with “you girls…” as his response.  Here is what I learned about a CANCER boob job vs. Barbie girl boob job:

1. What cup size will I be? Basically all the hopes and dreams of waking up after surgery with DDs is out the window.  After a mastectomy, they take all the infected cancer filled tissue from your body.  The expander is placed under your pec muscle which is then covered with skin.  Basically without expanding, you don’t typically have a lot of room for a HUGE implant to go.  I also had my nipple removed during my mastectomy, so thats even more skin that was once there… that is now in a garbage dump or burnt up into ashes by now.  Implants go by cc or how much of the product fills the implant.  My expanders are currently filled to 360cc which to me look pretty close to my old 34B boobies.  On the day of my surgery, my plastic surgeon will have 3 different sized implants and pretty much try them out and pick which looks best.  I am half tempted to write 470CC on my forehead as a way to convince him to smoosh in the bigger implants:)
2. What kind of implant will be my new foobies?  Well, there are a lot more choices than silicone or saline.  My surgeon is actually recommending a gummy implant.  It is actually a firmer implant so it wont move like a normal boob, however because of my smaller stature and that fact that my pec muscle isn’t the biggest, this option will provide me with the most stable and aesthetic option.  Basically, the firmer implant will provide me with less of a risk of rippling.  Because the skin is stretched from the expanders and basically I am missing the fat of my natural boobs, there is a chance that once the boobs settle, you could see the outline and the  movement of the implant through my skin if I were to chose something like a straight saline implant.
3. Will they pop or leak? With a cohesive gel, or gummy implant the risk of popping or leaking is pretty low.  The silicone filled in the implant is much denser than a traditional silicone implant, and the outer cover is thicker.
4. What kind of incision are we talking?  I take pride in my mastectomy scars in a way.  I didn’t take the advice of any of my doctors on skin care regimens and went with a trial of my own using http://www.rxcannacare.com CBD based lotions and truthfully my scars are so light truly you hardly see them.  It sort of upsets me that he will be cutting open my chest again… however his plan will be to reuse my scars and also “tidy” them up as he said during a process called a scar revision— we shall see how this goes.  Gummy implants do require larger incisions due to their harder nature than other implant types, another reason they are used with mastectomies when the scar is there anyways.
5. And finally, the topic everyone is wondering… NIPPLES! Well, I have officially chosen to remain nipples.  After my reconstruction heals, I could opt to have an additional surgery where my plastic surgeon could go in, again and place a ball of tissue to give me a lump-like nipple then have a cosmetic tattoo placed as an areola.  I have spoken to some women who say that the reconstructed nipples eventually help to gain a connection with a baby which I hope will be in the future, however, I have grown so accustom to a nice clean chest, and quite frankly, I love not wearing a bra with a white shirt… so, I have decided that these girls are remaining nipple-less!!

Back to my dream… this morning I woke up with my first nightmare involving my upcoming boob job.  I went in for surgery and it was very similar to my mastectomy… I woke up in the recovery room and looked up at the clock and wasn’t sure if I had surgery or if I was still waiting to go into surgery.  I looked down at my boobs and they were covered in bandages.  Because I am that patient that always peaks under the bandages, I peaked and was instantly unsatisfied.  In my dream, I looked down and had tiny, saggy, boobs and just wanted to cry.  I remember telling my doctor that he better redo them because I was so unsatisfied… looks like I really better write him a note or something and say GO BIG OR GO HOME!

Stay tuned for the booby reveal December 15th!

xoxo Meg