My Ultimate Fear: Recurrence

Is remission really even a thing? Should we celebrate being “cancer free”? My question to my doctors is constantly, “but how do you know I dont have anymore cancer?” And the truth is… they dont know!

This past week, two of my greatest cancer sisters and inspirations who have helped me soooo much through my own cancer journey have gotten some pretty shitty news. The gorgeous Lisa aka terminallyfabulous has been battling her disease and has defied many odds over the years that shes been battling terminal cancer. The amazing Nalie and founder of #feelitonthefirst just recently, tonight, announced that her breast cancer (i believe her initial diagnosis was 2014) has recently metastasized to her lung! I am just so shocked right now. This is unfair and plain fucking ridiculous if you ask me!

Social media for me is a way to connect with friends and family. Since my diagnosis, I hve had the opportunity to open my life, and share my world as people read/ watch every step of my journey. I have met some pretty fabulous pink sisters that I can talk to at any hour of day through text or on the phone (Jackie… I truly dont know what I would have done without you!) We talk about everything and anything from aches and pains to bruises that I think are neceotizing fascitis (my medical peeps get my fear here…). When my doctors begged me to attend support groups, I found my support without that face to face action. There are so many benefits to talking to my pink family, however there are also the horror stories and journies I could never imagine traveling, and of course it affects me… its hard to keep up blocks when I care about these girls! Basically, scanxiety, cancerxiety, remissionxiety whatever the hell you want to call it is terribly real! It is in the back of my mind every single day of my life! 

The truth is, that it is extremely difficult to not live in fear. Before I was diagnosed, I never really thought about being sick, nonetheless with cancer! I never feared every headache, every lump or bump, every red spot, or every itch. And lets not even get me started with my pup Izzy (who also was diagnosed with a rare cancer at 9 months old)… i’m constantly checking him for ailments! My husband is a true saint, im sure he didnt actually know he married a wacko… well I wasnt a wacko back then, atleast I dont think I was 😉 The truth is that I have had an uncountable amount of nights where I hysterical cry to John about when I die, if/when im going to die… and that isnt fair because im fucking 27 years young! I want to live a happily ever after just like in the Disney movies god dammit!

As many of my friends are getting married, buying huge houses, having babies, Im over here fearing if Ill ever be able to have a baby myself, if I will be alive to raise a baby, if we have the money to pay our mortgage this month, and most importantly, if my cancer will ever come back and I will be forced to relive my hell again… it is truly one of my biggest fears! My fears are real life, and it isnt something I would wish on my worst enemy!

But then John reminds me, why worry about these things, its not going to change what is destined to be. If I were to live everyday like im going to die tomorrow, I would probably end up being the most anxious person on earth… never truly able to enjoy the beauty and fun of life! I wouldnt stop to smell the flowers, and that is so so important! It is easy for me to say, I ignore my fears… because John will tell you… at night its all that I think about!

This year, I have many goals, and many of them revolve around me helping other girls in the same position as me! I know im fucked up in the head from cancer, chemo brain aside… and im sure a doctor would tell me “girl you need a shrink”, but the reality is… until you live with cancer, you have no idea what these fears are like! Without my hubby, I would have to see a shrink probably daily ;), lucky for me… he talks me down so easily we dont have to pay yet another professional to tell me whats wrong with me;)

Basically, I feel the urge to write this post because I have to vent, life is unfair on so many levels, but also to show me that I have to try to stop focusing on the things out of my control. I feel that God has presented me with this journey at a young age for a reason, and it is my calling to be an advocate and confidant for other girls like me. To all my pink sisters and brothers, and cancer friendlings near and far, you will all be in my heart and I will forever be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Oh, and do not forget… #sparkleon 

Xo Meg