Scanxiety: its a fear of the unknown when it comes to routine or diagnostic testing. It can be any test from and ultrasound, an mri, a pet scan, or blood work! Plain and simple, especially after having Cancer at any age I would imagine… but more particularly in your 20’s when you are planning out your whole entire life and future, it freakin sucks! It’s scary, your mind literally Fucks with you anyway it can. It’s literally like your playing the Worst Case Scenario game from This Is Us! Pretty much before any appointment, test, or scan I assess every single whatif I can possibly think of with the deep hope that the scan will be Clear and Nothing new will magically be found.
Fast forward to post cancer treatment life, remission I guess some people call it, I prefer to describe it as thriving. Whichever way you decide to explain it, once I received my last radiation and was deemed NED or with No evidence of disease… I think I was more scared than when I knew I had a huge ass cancerous tumor taking over my whole entire tit, oh and spreading quickly throughout my lymph nodes. I was fearful because it’s as if it were now a waiting game. I basically was now instructed to only go to my oncologist every couple of months for routine checks—-and basically I’m waiting for a sign that the cancer is back. It’s the worst feeling ever! I’m always touching, poking, massaging any lump bump or pain that may pop up on my 28 year old body and I instantly jump to the “Fuck it’s back” mind set.
Let’s make the story a little more interesting though! Now I’m 28 years old and my dream come true! Well, kinda. I’m now living with a history of ER/PR+ breast cancer and pregnant! Wowsers… I really like to live on the edge don’t I 😉 I’ve said it before and I will say it a kazillion times again… Just because I had cancer does not mean I will LIVE in fear and stop it from LIVING my life! Point in case, why I decided to attempt pregnancy!
Back to the point of this blog though… scanxiety. So, you may be wondering why I haven’t been updating you all with every second of our little miracle babies journey into this world. And I believe a large part of this has to due with my own fears. I am so so so beyond words excited to have been granted this path in my crazy journey of life and basically I’m afraid to jynx it! The past almost 3 years of my life have been filled with hardly any good medical news… so in a way, I’m preparing myself for the worst… which is a freakin awful way to think but it is just a reality of life, we cannot guaranteed anything about our futures!
Scanxiety has now taken quite the shift in my now pregnant mommy to be life. Although I have been showing many signs of pregnancy including vomiting near daily, severe exhaustion, oh and yes a growing belly, I can’t really “feel” the pregnancy yet so it’s easy for my mind to wonder for the worst. It is an extremely weird transition of me freaking out for my scans to not see anything new to now crossing my fingers and toes TO see something on my ultrasounds of Baby Kozy! I feel like once they scan me and I see that little Baby Kozy is as happy as can be doing tumblesaults and moving their hands and feet all around is when I feel most at ease.
I have made comments to John and others a kazillion times, “ I hope it’s still in there”—- and every single scan my biggest fear is now that we won’t see anything! A huge transition from holding each others hands and praying to God that we don’t see anything on a cancer test! It is extremely weird. It’s extremely different. It’s a huge shift in hopes and expectation.
But finally, as I enter my 2nd trimester I am realizing that… scanxiety is just going to be a part of my life now. Cancer happened to me at a young age, and I can’t change any of that. I do have fears that many people my age don’t necessarily think of like is that bump cancer, or has my skin changed colors and do I have to contact my doctor. I may be a little more cautious and ask more questions than the average 20 something year old, and I most definitely have more doctors and specialists than many of my friends. Oh and yes… I make all my own appointments! Can you believe it! Oh how I wish to go back to the days my mom and dad did that for me… however now a days, it would have to be their full time job;)
This new journey is sooooo exciting I can hardly explain, but also the scariest thing aside from my initial cancer diagnosis and that is simply because, I’m not just taking care of me… we have a Baby Kozy now that We also have to worry and care for. So, in preparation for my first 2nd trimester appointment today, I am fighting my scanxiety (of hearing the heartbeat for the first time), and so will preemptively be posting this blog because in my heart I do know that little Baby Kozy is just fine and dandy, and PTSD from stupid cancer can go suck a D!
For now on, you will have weekly updates of Baby Kozy! We are so excited to share this journey with you all!